Today, i learned the most valuable lesson ever, but it wont make since unless i explain with a story.
When i was in cross keys middle school as seventh grader... it was the worst year of my life. I was bullied, sexually harassed, harrased, physically and emotionally. And made fun of until i just couldn't take it anymore. I went to the office and the counslers office many many times.... and each time she did nothing about the situation. Each time being it the same ppl or not she only told them not to do it again... That didn't help. This ticked me off. I was P.O.ed because i couldn't do anything baout it. i finally confronted my parents and told them about. They were going to go up and confront the counsler... but forgot. That's when i had to do my own thing and stand up for myself. Many girls, even boys wanted to fight me because of this. I am not at all a fighter... i could never bring myself to hurt anyone. Only a week or so before the school year ended.... I got a text while my parents were out of town... It was a text saying why dont you just kill yourself... At that moment... I honestly wasn't offended.... but it kind of hurt. A couple of days later... she came up to me.... She said she wanted to make truce... IT wasn't at all a truce... she wrote on her hand that i see dead ppl.... this really hurt... i wanted to punch her dead in her face.... but i couldn't ( btw the girls name is Abby)... i had written that in a book i wrote and also in my journal that i had left in a class by accident... becuse i had been confronted by a ghost... I did what i always did and clenched my fist behind my back and the other on the side of me....
I finally stood up for myself and told her that if she truely wanted to make truce... she wouldn't have written that on her hand, also i told her that it makes ppl want to cry. To end it all i finally told her that she only made fun of me along with everyone else because she was jealous and insecure of herself. I felt proud at that moment.. but alittle consided..... i did the right thing... But the terrible thing that i thought of was to get revenge on those who made fun of me... But then while reading an Anime today one of the characters from SAy i love you, (MEI- chan) said " Only hatered can be born from hatered" And i learned that i wouldn't gain anything by getting revenge on anyone... instead i would just keep to myself and pray about my problems... SO ppl who struggle with these problems... REmember one thing " only hatered can be born from hatered."
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Gir
Today... i am bored. I haven't talk to my fiancee in 6 days because i havent had my phone... i feel as if i will faint... that's not good. Gir. Anyway.. i went to chruch,,, my uncle wasn't there... It was this other guy... he tried to act as if he was my uncle kenny... now i'm not the person to judge... but bro... THat man should never try to act like Uncle Kenny... Ever... In his life... He TRIED to be funny.... That mother lover wasn't funny..He was the most irritating thing ever...girrr.... sometimes ppl irritate me...
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Diary of Julia
It all happend.... so fast.I....never thought that... they'd ever leave. but when they did. It finally dawned on me that.... i was... alone. I had always been alone. starring out the window of my bedroom, i thought to myself. " How, how could i have been along all these years and not known it?" i said aloud. I had been adopted by a family, not of my own... I'd begun to notice the distance between us. Many times they've tried, but not hard enough. or so i believed. They spoiled me and gave me everything my heart desired. Except for love. They'd never shown me love, only kindness. obviously they were to afraid to show me anything but. As my maid, Sophia, gets me ready for the departure to their funeral,... i don't speak. She dresses me in a silk black gown and tights. Finishing it off with a hat that's veil went half way down my face. My friends, Vandeta and Adriene were waiting for me in the limo. I highly disliked limos.I showed no intrest. My face bleak with desperation of wanting to get this day done and over with. All my life since i had been adopted at age 4 and up until now, at age 14. I never understood my parents great wealth. My mother was a lawyer and my father . Jonathan Ciel, was a government worker. In other words, he worked for an agency completely private of anyones life.
Occasionally when i was younger i only got to see a few times every year. So he wasn't really around that often. My mother, Angelina Ciel, number three on the top lawyer's list in Virgina, would always be working on count. top cases. She had so many clients that came in and out of our house it was to many to Then one day, when i was 12, i found out that my mother was having an afair with one of our maids. She was about 16 and my mother was 35. I found out one day because my mother and the maid were giving off signals. You could tell of her homosexuality by the way she'd stare at the maid. It didn't shock me, but it did shock my father. He came home one day to find them kissing in the kitchen. He didn't scream nor did he yell. He just walked away silently and locked the door to his room.
came to see what was wrong with me.
"Julia are you upset about your parents demise?" I shook my head. Their demise didn't make me feel any different, although i did feel even more alone. I was always alone as i had said in the previous. I cared nothing of their demise. I almost cared nothing about them either. It was as if they had never exsisted in my life. Always gone on buisness or out with a friend, the only person i'd truely been with my whole life growing up was Sophia. She'd been there through thick and thin. From when i was made fun of, to getting beat up, to having to go the hospital because i needed to get a heart transplant.Me on the other hand, didn't let it bother me. Adriene was bisexual and i'd gotten used to her liking girls. I was straight though. I felt sorry for my mother in a way. Having to hide everything from my father. Soon after he'd slept for an hour , My father went down stairs and acted like nothing ever happen kissing my mother on the cheek and asking our maid Sophia to make him a thing of coffee.That was a day i was never gonna forget no matter how hard i tried.
As the limo departed from our residence, i stared out the window.
" Julia, are you okay?" Sophia and Vandeta asked. I nodded. Despite going to a funeral, i was perfectly okay. Nothing bothered me, not even Anglelina and Jonathan's deaths. While I sat next to Adriene, she looked at me worriedly. She looked quite sick with worry and i told her to just smile. I smiled with a slight plea for someone to notice i wasn't upset. I wasn't upset about my parents demise. They were at peace finally and i had never known anything but pain and suffering. All my life i had been tramatized by my childhood abuse by my birthparents. They'd never shown me any love since the day i was born. I still had a scar from a nail that i'd slid on when i was only 3. it had been stiched up but you could still identify the marking.
Once at the funeral home, everyone got out. But i stayed in the limo. Sophia told everyone else to run along and Neither of my parents were there for me, even when i had the surgery. So why should i care if i go to their funeral or not." We can go Sophia." i said grabbing my wallet. I slid out of the car and Sophia followed obidently. Sophia and I climbed the stairs and walked inside the funeral home. As soon as we walked in, it began to rain. A light rain dropped overhead, and i stared at it for a long while. I had signaled for Sophia to go take her sit, and she obyed. Soon after Sophia left, a gentel touch brushed along my hand. Instinctively i knew it was Adriene. She held my hand and looked out at the sky with me. I clutched her hand tightly and smiled. i felt safe, ever since i first met Adriene i'd felt safe.
I remembered the first day i met her, i had been being teased and bullied and she was the first to notice me. She came over to defend me. I had been crying, i was on the ground all scarred up and she was their to pick me up and tell me everything would be okay. Out of all people. Adriene was the first person i was able to trust. I can barely even trust Vandeta. "Are you afriad that if you go in there.... your gonna cry? Or are you afraid that if you go in there, you'll be upset because they were the last set of parents you had and you might have to go back to a foster home." Adriene said sadly. I looked at her and she looked at me with tears in her eyes. To be honest i hadn't even thought of being adopted again. I never thought about the foster home. Sophia had already promised she wouldn't give me up though.
I hugged Adriene tightly and shook my head.
"Haha," i laughed gentely." I wont leave you Adriene. I swear. I'll be here for you forever. And when we die, i'll still be there for you." She smiled, looking confused but she smiled widely. I held her hand as we walked in and took our seats. We sat in the very front so that i could view my parents dead bodies. Starring bleakly, i heard Sophia crying and blowing her nose in a hancerchief while Vandeta tried to comfort her. Adriene was teary eyed, but didn't cry. She just held my hand tighter and tighter everytime she felt like she was about to.
The pastor who was the operator of the entire setting of the funeral. Cried the entire time and never let anyone come up to say their speaches. For the first hour he told stories about him and my fathers older days. Obviously he told everyone they were close friends with out actually saying they were friends. Everyone cried, laughed at most of the non-funny joke, probably to make the mood lighten a bit. Finally it was my turn to speak. "Julia Ciel, Jonthan and Angelina's beautiful daughter, would like to give her speach now... Julia."
He put out his hand for me to come up and grab it, but i didn't. I walked the up the stairs to the alter, and walked up to the pedistool. Honestly, i hadn't prepared anything because i was told i would have to give a speach at last minute by my maid Andrea. I looked out to the crowd and was surprised at all of the people in the audience. A shiver went down my spine, it was a feeling of nervouseness, I had never given a speach before. Ecspecially not in front of this many people.
I cleared my throat. There had to be something i could say about my parents. I never loved them, but i could lie and say i did. I looked up at the cross on the ceiling and reminded myself i was not about to lie in chruch. I took a deep breath and cleared my throat.
"When i was 3. I was constantly abused. Day in and day out. I had never known love. So i will not lie to you and tell you i loved my parents. Yes they were kind. Yes they adopted me when i was four. They were gentely when i was little. They cared for me, but not enough for me to feel that they loved me. They were never around for Christmas, they were never there for my birthday. Nor were they there for my first violin or ballet recital." i looked at Sophia and she stared at me wide eyed for a moment. As if i were about to give away her biggest secret. I countinued. " They were never there when i had to have surgery. They were always out. My father, he was slightly understandable. He worked for the government. But my mother was a lawyer, and even on Christmas she would go spend it with friends as if i weren't even her child." I took a pause to look up from the pedistool to the crowd. They were all shocked and wide eyed. Most people were mumbling under their breath or amongest themselves.
I gave a slight smirk and continued. " But they are parents. Birth or not. They were still parental figures. Just parental figures with not enough time on their hands for a kid. I liked them i guessed. When you were three and watched all those Disney movies about how the princess fell inlove with the prince. And how they would get married and live happily ever after. Well, i never witnessed that. My parents never showed any affection toward each other unless they were at home for a while and stared at each others eyes for hours on end. But i would always ask myself. Is that what love is? Did they truely love each other, or was it all just pretend? Constantly i asked myself those questions. And after it all, i would ask, ' If it is.... then why is none of it shown... to me?' "
Occasionally when i was younger i only got to see a few times every year. So he wasn't really around that often. My mother, Angelina Ciel, number three on the top lawyer's list in Virgina, would always be working on count. top cases. She had so many clients that came in and out of our house it was to many to Then one day, when i was 12, i found out that my mother was having an afair with one of our maids. She was about 16 and my mother was 35. I found out one day because my mother and the maid were giving off signals. You could tell of her homosexuality by the way she'd stare at the maid. It didn't shock me, but it did shock my father. He came home one day to find them kissing in the kitchen. He didn't scream nor did he yell. He just walked away silently and locked the door to his room.
came to see what was wrong with me.
"Julia are you upset about your parents demise?" I shook my head. Their demise didn't make me feel any different, although i did feel even more alone. I was always alone as i had said in the previous. I cared nothing of their demise. I almost cared nothing about them either. It was as if they had never exsisted in my life. Always gone on buisness or out with a friend, the only person i'd truely been with my whole life growing up was Sophia. She'd been there through thick and thin. From when i was made fun of, to getting beat up, to having to go the hospital because i needed to get a heart transplant.Me on the other hand, didn't let it bother me. Adriene was bisexual and i'd gotten used to her liking girls. I was straight though. I felt sorry for my mother in a way. Having to hide everything from my father. Soon after he'd slept for an hour , My father went down stairs and acted like nothing ever happen kissing my mother on the cheek and asking our maid Sophia to make him a thing of coffee.That was a day i was never gonna forget no matter how hard i tried.
"Let's have a show of hands of who all really knew Jonthan and Angelina Ciel."
About half the audience raised their hands. " Had they ever been together in one room, or ever show any affection of love toward one another?" I asked pointing at the motionless bodies that laid in coffins. Everyone shook their heads no.
"Exactly, so dont get me wrong when i say i never loved them, When i never even knew how." I closed my speach and walked confidently off stage. The crowd looked confused and amazed at how i could do such a thing. I just brushed it off and said. " No worries. If you knew me. You'd understand my feelings of anger," Sophia and Adriene just stared at me and nodded, They understood. Vandeta stood up and walked off with her hands balled in a fist.
As soon as Sophia was done giving her speach and the rest of the maids said a few words. The pastor walked back on stage and told everyone the directions to the burrial if they were going to attend. And where dinner would be held if anyone wanted to attend that. I walked out, almost sprinting to where Vandeta was and as soon as i got to her and asked what was wrong, she slapped me in the face. I almost cried but held it and asked Why.
"How could you say that about your own parents? Your horrible,! is that what you would say in my funeral huh? Do you not love me too?" I couldn't reply, only stare. I wanted to slap her. I wanted to hit her with all the power i had. But i didn't.
As the limo departed from our residence, i stared out the window.
" Julia, are you okay?" Sophia and Vandeta asked. I nodded. Despite going to a funeral, i was perfectly okay. Nothing bothered me, not even Anglelina and Jonathan's deaths. While I sat next to Adriene, she looked at me worriedly. She looked quite sick with worry and i told her to just smile. I smiled with a slight plea for someone to notice i wasn't upset. I wasn't upset about my parents demise. They were at peace finally and i had never known anything but pain and suffering. All my life i had been tramatized by my childhood abuse by my birthparents. They'd never shown me any love since the day i was born. I still had a scar from a nail that i'd slid on when i was only 3. it had been stiched up but you could still identify the marking.
Once at the funeral home, everyone got out. But i stayed in the limo. Sophia told everyone else to run along and Neither of my parents were there for me, even when i had the surgery. So why should i care if i go to their funeral or not." We can go Sophia." i said grabbing my wallet. I slid out of the car and Sophia followed obidently. Sophia and I climbed the stairs and walked inside the funeral home. As soon as we walked in, it began to rain. A light rain dropped overhead, and i stared at it for a long while. I had signaled for Sophia to go take her sit, and she obyed. Soon after Sophia left, a gentel touch brushed along my hand. Instinctively i knew it was Adriene. She held my hand and looked out at the sky with me. I clutched her hand tightly and smiled. i felt safe, ever since i first met Adriene i'd felt safe.
I remembered the first day i met her, i had been being teased and bullied and she was the first to notice me. She came over to defend me. I had been crying, i was on the ground all scarred up and she was their to pick me up and tell me everything would be okay. Out of all people. Adriene was the first person i was able to trust. I can barely even trust Vandeta. "Are you afriad that if you go in there.... your gonna cry? Or are you afraid that if you go in there, you'll be upset because they were the last set of parents you had and you might have to go back to a foster home." Adriene said sadly. I looked at her and she looked at me with tears in her eyes. To be honest i hadn't even thought of being adopted again. I never thought about the foster home. Sophia had already promised she wouldn't give me up though.
I hugged Adriene tightly and shook my head.
"Haha," i laughed gentely." I wont leave you Adriene. I swear. I'll be here for you forever. And when we die, i'll still be there for you." She smiled, looking confused but she smiled widely. I held her hand as we walked in and took our seats. We sat in the very front so that i could view my parents dead bodies. Starring bleakly, i heard Sophia crying and blowing her nose in a hancerchief while Vandeta tried to comfort her. Adriene was teary eyed, but didn't cry. She just held my hand tighter and tighter everytime she felt like she was about to.
The pastor who was the operator of the entire setting of the funeral. Cried the entire time and never let anyone come up to say their speaches. For the first hour he told stories about him and my fathers older days. Obviously he told everyone they were close friends with out actually saying they were friends. Everyone cried, laughed at most of the non-funny joke, probably to make the mood lighten a bit. Finally it was my turn to speak. "Julia Ciel, Jonthan and Angelina's beautiful daughter, would like to give her speach now... Julia."
He put out his hand for me to come up and grab it, but i didn't. I walked the up the stairs to the alter, and walked up to the pedistool. Honestly, i hadn't prepared anything because i was told i would have to give a speach at last minute by my maid Andrea. I looked out to the crowd and was surprised at all of the people in the audience. A shiver went down my spine, it was a feeling of nervouseness, I had never given a speach before. Ecspecially not in front of this many people.
I cleared my throat. There had to be something i could say about my parents. I never loved them, but i could lie and say i did. I looked up at the cross on the ceiling and reminded myself i was not about to lie in chruch. I took a deep breath and cleared my throat.
"When i was 3. I was constantly abused. Day in and day out. I had never known love. So i will not lie to you and tell you i loved my parents. Yes they were kind. Yes they adopted me when i was four. They were gentely when i was little. They cared for me, but not enough for me to feel that they loved me. They were never around for Christmas, they were never there for my birthday. Nor were they there for my first violin or ballet recital." i looked at Sophia and she stared at me wide eyed for a moment. As if i were about to give away her biggest secret. I countinued. " They were never there when i had to have surgery. They were always out. My father, he was slightly understandable. He worked for the government. But my mother was a lawyer, and even on Christmas she would go spend it with friends as if i weren't even her child." I took a pause to look up from the pedistool to the crowd. They were all shocked and wide eyed. Most people were mumbling under their breath or amongest themselves.
I gave a slight smirk and continued. " But they are parents. Birth or not. They were still parental figures. Just parental figures with not enough time on their hands for a kid. I liked them i guessed. When you were three and watched all those Disney movies about how the princess fell inlove with the prince. And how they would get married and live happily ever after. Well, i never witnessed that. My parents never showed any affection toward each other unless they were at home for a while and stared at each others eyes for hours on end. But i would always ask myself. Is that what love is? Did they truely love each other, or was it all just pretend? Constantly i asked myself those questions. And after it all, i would ask, ' If it is.... then why is none of it shown... to me?' "
I took a slight pause. Anger made my pulse race because i was so angery that, no one had ever shown me how to love, or how to feel sad for someone's death. Then i thought silently as the crowd stared at me with aw. "Had anyone ever shown me love?" I thought about it and thought of the first two people that came to mind. Adriene and Sophia. Without Sophia i would never have known how to even read or write. Without Adriene, i wouldn't know how to stand up for myself when people made fun of me for being different. I looked at the long line of maids that were sitting on the bench next to Adriene and Vandeta.
Introduction
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